Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
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lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say.. “Hey look! That one is shaped like an idiot!
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
Witch: Rapunzel, Rapunzel, let down your hair!
Rapunzel: … Why tho
Witch: I wanna climb the tower
Rapunzel: Have you- have you seen the news? It’s close quarters up here
Witch: C’mon I gotta talk to you
Rapunzel: Can I just drop you a Zoom link
at its core, Harry Potter is a beautiful story about the value of having a hot mom
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
Buy your kids a tortoise. Then when you’re elderly, they’ll already have 40 years’ experience feeding & loving something that barely moves
Apparently people mistook my innocent “what street did you grow up on” tweet for data mining.
Which is hysterical in a completely non-Russian bot fabricated to crack your Pinterest password & steal your Dog Sweater Vision Board ideas kind of way.
(genuine human laughter)
UK and US word differences
UK | US
Crisps | Guns
Chips | Guns
Nappy | Gun
Biscuit | Gun
Pavement | Floor Gun
Lollypop | Gun
Gun | Two Guns
Me: *bleeding to death after being stabbed*
Helpful Person: Don’t worry, we’re gonna get you some help. Are you registered to vote?
*When you can teleport through your phone*
Hello! Can you here me?
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
“My clothes don’t fit” should be a valid excuse not to go to work.
hand-to-hand combat, but its just two mimes trying to establish dominance by pushing on opposite sides of the same imaginary box’s wall
Sexy lingerie is for single folks… cause when you married, and you gotta fold that shit, it loses all of its appeal… I’m over here struggling, makin a buncha thong balls… these joints is harder to fold than a fitted sheet… #SaturdayMorning
me: *excitedly* this is my first time taking a train
conductor: *sprinting* GIVE IT BACK
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.