This chloroform smells expensiv…
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You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
Two things Twitter cultivates and encourages:
1. instant gratification
2. sense of impatient entitlement
3. misunderstanding of basic math
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
ACTORS’ TIP: can’t afford headshots? run a red light and use the photo they mail you. as a bonus you can add “driving stunts” to your resume
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
A garlic dill pickle is not for the unprepared. First, do you carry a toothbrush in your purse?
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
5yo and her friend just ended an argument by deciding they would “have a piece of cheese and calm down”
So, yeah, she’s mine.
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Kids these days can’t do shit without #Google. When I was a kid I didn’t have Google. So, I pretty much couldn’t do shit.
Waiter: Did we decide?
Date: Yes, I’d like the Sirloin. Medium rare.
Me: And I’d like the Remix to Ignition. Hot & fresh out the kitchen.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
[submarine]
captain: why can’t we submerge?!
stowaway jesus: lol
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
Doctor: I’m sorry son, it appears you have… Jenga-itis
Me: [trying to pull the doctor’s shoes off without him falling over] is it bad?
Destined to be a firefighter from birth.
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.