5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
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People who finish their entire stick of lip balm without losing it first should be the only ones allowed to have kids.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
“Wow, it smells like *sniff* wait what the?”
*Rips blind fold off and sees house burning down*
“Omg!”
Narrator: The power of Febreeze
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
*rolls up on dance battle*
Sick moves bruh. You know who else had sick moves? Our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
*hands out pamphlets*
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
My sister let me borrow her newborn baby so I could meet girls at the mall.
Worked great!
Also, If you’ve found my nephew Jake, lemme know
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Are there Jewish exorcisms? Where the demon comes out, and just tells you to call your mother?
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
Ya know how some of our grandparents are weird about not throwing food away because they grew up poor? I wonder if like 40 years from now our grandchildren are going to be like “why does Nana have 70 rolls of toilet paper at all times? She’s so weird.”
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
A short story about romance.
Remember folks, the more you decorate for the holidays, the more flammable your house & property. Happy Holidays!!
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
My dad brought me yellow gatorade because that’s the medicinal flavor. orange is for exercise. red is the best tasting but has no healing properties, it’s just a drink like an arizona iced tea.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
FIANCÉ: where should we go on our honeymoon
ME (after hearing there’s a charizard hidden at mt rushmore): how do you feel about south dakota
The Golden Globe goes to…
Burrito
… for best actor in a microwave, with a convincing performance of taking longer than necessary.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
As you get older you’re supposed to find younger generations kind of scary, but how the fuck am I supposed to be intimidated by anyone who says “seggs” instead of sex.
Don’t forget to celebrate Columbus Day by moving in to someone else’s house and telling everyone it’s yours, then closing the post office.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today