Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
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I scream, you scream, we all scream for ice cream. This kid working at Baskin Robbins is pretty scared. Now he’s crying in the corner.
I couldn’t say no to a double dog dare. How about you? Why did you get arrested?
ME: Pet it
OPTIMUS PRIME: But I’m afraid of it
ME: It’s just a dog
OP: Oh..ok [reaches out]
DOG: [sneezes]
OP: [transforms into large truck]
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.
それは草
I’m at the ‘you fold laundry too loudly’ part of marriage.
*meets someone from France*
I’m a big fan of your toast!
I’m Mexican and Filipino. No matter how you look at me, I’m good at cleaning.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
[Elephant at a party] Nice piano!
[me] thanks
[Elephant] What are the keys made of?
[Me] Uhh..
[Rhino appears behind me] Tell him Kyle
Lil Brain – Out of Leads
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.
– Dogs
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
I only eat chips because I feel that people would judge me if I ate the dip with a spoon
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
me: [wondering if i she can tell i lied about my job]
the woman cutting my hair: ocean king sounds stressful
me: it can be
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Leaflet through the door telling me I can enjoy sex at 75. Which is handy, because I live at number 81.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
How am I supposed to be professional when something at work is called a dongle?
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
I love my kids and wouldn’t trade them for anything…
[both kids wake up sneezing]
…more than a giant bottle of hand sanitizer right about now.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”