Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
You Might Also Like
All firemen must dread the moment when they’re done for the day and have to find the strength to climb back up the pole.
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
The only I would ever pledge allegiance to is peanut butter.
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
“Bjork” would make a great name for a beet-based pork substitute.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
“Put your hand on the shopping cart or I’m going to put you inside it.”
“Mom I’m right here.”
“Hand on the cart now. I don’t want you to get lost.”
“MooOoom”
“5, 4”
“I’M NOT GETTING LOST!”
“3, 2, 1”
*My mom struggles to lift me up into the cart*
“I’M 36 MOM!!”
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
You: how are you?
Me: I want to rip off my skin, scream for six hours, then swan dive off a bridge.
You: what?
Me: Good. I’m good.
*gets on knees and prays*
Please Harry and Meghan on House Hunters International
finally old enough to understand that “fake it till you make it” and “practice makes perfect” are the same advice
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
[pushes panic button in the middle of MRI]
Tech: Are you okay? Do you have any questions?
Me: Yeah. Who sang the song that was just playing?
The family that dives into an active volcano together stays together.
People who say “You can’t argue with that” really don’t know me very well.
The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.
i lost my sunglasses in the laundry a couple days ago & asked the super to keep an eye out. today he found them & told me in detail exactly what happened: “i saw the security video. you were eating a bag of chips & they fell off when you tilted your head back to finish the bag”
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
The Golden Girls is the most relatable TV show for a millenial, as I too will be renting with several roommates until I’m 80
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
My spirit animal is an upturned turtle.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.