Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
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Fitness bloggers are like, “Just fill your cabinets with healthy food.” You mean my spice museums?!
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
9: I learned a joke at school.
Me: Ok let’s hear it.
9: What goes in stiff but comes out soft?
Me:
9:
Me:
9:
Me: Is it a-
Wife [running in from other room]: SPAGHETTI IT’S SPAGHETTI
*speed dating*
I’m a competitive eater!
Date: Are you any good?
[grabbing my suitcase, dumping 45 hotdogs on table] funny you should ask
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
@KrangTNelson @funTweeters I am not a millennial, I am straight out the the 70’s and I make up new words to suite myself. Like you don’t get a spoonful of mashed potatoes you get a thwack of mashed potatoes because that is the sound it makes when they hit your plate thwack.
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Of course people can change. I used to hate true crime but now I actively participate in giving shows content.
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
*a very, very real phone conversation i heard my mother-in-law have*
yeah? what’s up? huh? what? he ran over a dog? huh? is he in the hospital? why’s he riding a motorcycle? yeah. no, we’re eating dinner. no, i didn’t know norman fell was in ocean’s 11
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
“Sir, are you interested in the satellite radio upgrade?”
…uhhhh, for driving in space?
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
HAGRID: You’re a wizard, Harry.
ME: I’m not Harry.
H: Henry, you’re, there’s a blizzard.
M: Are you drunk?
H: Glenn, I’m a tugboat.
name a hurricane “Jesus” cuz then u could say “Jesus is coming” & have unaware ppl frantically prepare for rapture
*At a clothing store*
Worker: Do you need any help sir?
Me: *Mixes “No, I’m good” & “No, I’m just looking”*Me:”No, I’m just good looking”
You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks