to the spirits in my walls: going to the store be right back.
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Happy thanksgiving!
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
I’m sorry I said your baby looks like a hairless hamster. But in my defense, you shouldn’t have had a hairless hamster for a baby.
“I wasn’t that drunk…”
“Dude, you were driving your truck around the Walmart parking lot trying to find your truck.”
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
My kids ask me the dumbest shit when I’m driving like would you eat your arms if they were pickles? Like obviously the answer is yes.
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
[Vegan Conference]
Announcer: While we await our key speaker, please talk among yourselves
Vegan: I’m a vegan
Vegan2: I’m also a vegan
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
I would like to think money won’t change me, but I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket and immediately bought name brand aluminum foil.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I can’t hold my breath to swim to the other side of the pool but I suddenly have Michael Phelps lungs to get away from someone coughing.
Failed long-term relationships are never a total waste. They teach you valuable life skills, like how to carve profanity into car paint.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Boyfriend: you want to go see the new Star Wars?
Me: I LOVE STAR WARS
BF: which was your fav
Me: duh, Sorcerer’s Stone
see you in hell you stupid fruit
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
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Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
can someone please show me the sexy way to get in and out of a booth at a restaurant
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
I’ll be tweeting telepathically today, so if you think of something funny, that’s me.