I have a “wayward” son & telling him to “carry on” doesn’t sound like good advice, but whatever you say, kansas
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Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
[on payphone] Hello New York Times? In every box of tissues there’s a tiny man who feeds the next tissue through the openi— [CIA agents tackle me]
It really doesn’t feel like Christmas until Pavarotti is singing “Oh Holy Night” to the counterpoint of my wife shouting at the cats to get out of the tree
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
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I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Based on the amount of tools I’ve dated, you’d think I got a deal at The Home Depot
The internet is full of many things
I make all my clothing choices based on what I would look like if I’m unexpectedly asked to bounce on a trampoline at some point in the day.
become ungovernable
[moments before death with my life flashing before my eyes]
Me: Wow, that’s a lot of cat gifs.
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Capitalism is controlled by an “invisible hand” that gives most people the invisible finger.
Every time my phone rings
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
Billion Dollar Idea:
Add glitter to air bags to lighten the mood after accidents.
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Life is a letter soup that has too many consonants and not enough vowels and all you can spell is borscht
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum.
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
“Seamstress, you come pleat me.”
-Pants
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Let’s watch Star Wars and make out every time kylo ren looks broody
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
If anyone asks, I’m only watching three shirtless buff guys work on the neighbour’s roof because home improvement projects are super educational.