Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
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one day, after your children have moved out, you realize it was your husband who you needed to hide the good cookies from all along
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
#ImFeelingGoodAbout myself
10: Ugh! I have a math quiz tomorrow
Me: I’ll help you. I’ll be your teacher today!
10: Omg! Why are you making this worse?!
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
*runs Baywatch style through Wendy’s drive-thru*
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Most divorces are caused by a spouse eating potato chips while you try to watch TV.
Giving someone a Christmas card is like saying, “Hey I spent $0.99 on this and signed it, can you throw it away for me?”
I was going to buy my wife a car for Christmas but then I remembered I don’t live in a commercial.
Doing more laundry today, seems I have more people living here than I can actually see.
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
Imagine a squirrel making a nest at your window and being able to watch them sleep and grow 🥺
Me: *brings a cheesecake to a pie fight*
My enemies: sweet jesus she’s gone completely insane RUN!!
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
I wish I had enough talent as a dancer to disappoint my family by becoming a dancer
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Welcome to your late 40s. You now have car glasses, office glasses, living room glasses, and bedroom glasses.
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
I don’t know what the big whoop is if I run out of masks and have to put a paper bag over my head, but the police officer who pulled me over sure seemed pissed about it.