Great game to play with friends
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I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
You: *sneezes*
Me: [hears phrases incorrectly but appropriates them anyway] kazoo night.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
crossbreed every type of dog until all you’re left with is an everything beagle
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
he chose this
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
E-Cigs. The great taste of water vapor, the cool look of blowing a flashlight.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
So, apparently, avid cyclists don’t like it when you call them “pedalphiles.”
[Speed dating]
HER: I’m really into astronomy
ME: the moon follows me when I drive
Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
Never go to sleep after making me angry
2nd Rule of Parent Club:
If your kid suddenly says “I think I’d better wash my hands”, don’t question them. I repeat, DO NOT QUESTION THEM.
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
The pointless tidy up before a play date.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
Interviewer: please explain this gap in your resume
Me: I was trying to optimise my 8 dollars worth for the month.
[interview at the Pringles factory]
BOSS: why do you wanna work here?
TENNIS BALL: {don’t say to take back the tubes} uhh i love curvy chips
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it