Negative pregnancy tests, because everyone loves good news on a stick
You Might Also Like
God making man in his image was the original selfie
no their not
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
[consoling widow] I was the one who put the kick me sign on your husband. I had no idea you owned a horse that can read
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
[swimming pool]
me: do you have family changing facilities?
clerk: yes we do
me: ok what can I get for 2 sons and a wife
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
cave of wonders: only one may enter here
aladdin: abu has to wait outside?
cave of wonders: oh, pets don’t count
abu: *steals*
cave of wonders: OK PETS COUNT
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
If you’re offended by anything on my TL, whatever you do, do not look at the rest of the internet.
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
The biggest myth about travel is “packing light” – don’t bother! Light is available from the sun and artificial sources worldwide.
Beware of the “party goblin”…
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
I think we as a society can hold two thoughts at same time a) almost anyone can be scammed + b) a financial advice columnist falling for an “Amazon rep” connecting you to “the CIA” who tells you to put 50k in unmarked bills in a shoebox to toss in a car and tell no one in wild
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
There…fixed it 🤣🤣🤣
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
If by ‘paleontologist’ you mean I can name all 5 shapes in the box of dinosaur chicken nuggets then, yes, I am a paleontologist.
That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
My cat was bitten by a squirrel and I have to suck the rabies out before she slips into a double cheese burger.
–how I cancel dates