he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
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As if ” cray cray” wasn’t irritating enough, people have started shortening it to ” cray”….that’s just stu stu
My conservative, 94-year-old grandfather and I don’t see eye to eye on a lot, but every now and then, I’m reminded of our similarities. Today, he emailed me a video asking a really important question—what if we put all of our trash in volcanoes?
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
*goes on strict diet for a month, steps on scale*
i lost 4 lbs, nice
*goes off diet for one day, steps on scale*
the punishment does not fit the crime
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
just found out I have poison ivy and the doctor gave me steroids so I guess now the plan is to get super jacked and go back and fight that plant
Natty or not?
Newspapers are cool because you can cut out eye holes and spy on people. Try that with an iPad.
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
Whoa I’m floating! Am I…dead?
“No it’s a dream”
What a relief! Wait. Who said that?
Grim Reaper: (mutters) shit
Uh nobody go back to sleep
If the kids are so noisy from the backseat you can hear them above the music, it obviously wasn’t cranked up loud enough to begin with.
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
My biggest fear is getting a 200 page email that ends with “Thoughts?”
My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
I’m quitting my job to pursue my dream of quitting my job.
Judge: For the crimes you have committed you will go to prison for 10 years
Me: That’s a long sentence!
Judge: Ok – “you get 10 years”
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
I got tested this morning for Covid-19. Ouch. Those nasal swabs go deep. Jeez, buy a gal dinner first.
Bummed about the early Scotland vote results. This was pretty much our best hope for seeing Shrek on a flag.