9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
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Some people age like wine, others age like milk.
I’m tired of the unrealistic beauty standards promoted by the avian media.
Google search history:
-double chin reduction exercises
-double chin plastic surgery cost
-double fudge brownie recipe
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
an edibles food truck and i’d call it the cannabus.
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
I hate people who use big words in tweets just to make themselves look perspicacious.
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
me: “no ill just have it here thanks”
bartender: [looks at my wife then back at me]
wife: “on the rocks means with ice keith”
#ThisMakesMeLaugh
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
I make up for those people who jog in place at red lights by eating snacks while lying down in bed.
Buddha: all life is suffering
Me: alright dude, chill out. they said your food would be out in ten minutes
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
I post 🟩🟩🟩🟩🟩 on Facebook everyday.
I don’t play Wordle, but it drives my family nuts.
this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.