This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
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@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
Apparently the drunk guy at the urinal next to me is under the impression that I was stung in the leg by a jellyfish.
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
Idk why they make you wait on the plane for so long after you land. Like you already defied the laws of gravity and carried my physical vessel all the way to Toronto and placed me gently on the ground. That was the hard part. You just have to open the door now.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
How actors in movies eat their food
I’ve reached the point in my marriage that my husband fell asleep on the couch and OMG I AM SO EXCITED I GET THE BED ALL TO MYSELF
With AI we’ve designed an entity that will eventually destroy us but right now we’re just like hey “can you write a poem for my gf?”
Elba: Bond. James Bond.
Villain: yeah but where are you ACTUALLY from though?
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
Me: wades through every single customer review and image before making an online purchase
Also me after receiving item: I will die before I rate this product
an hour into The Sound of Music “yes. this is what music sounds like.”
i hope that everyone who forgot to wish me a happy national boston terrier day yesterday spends eternity burning in hell
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’ll bet when two cannibals get trapped in an elevator going to lunch, around the fifth minute, things start getting a little weird.
fire doesn’t get enough credit for being so welcoming. it’s always like “hey you wanna come be fire too?”
6: How do you make a bubble with your gum?
Me: You need to push and stretch it with your tongue and then blow
Him: (opens mouth to speak)
Me: Don’t! I heard myself too.
“It’s like they’re not even impressed that this fits inside my nostril.”
– Toddlers
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.
[talking to my guide dog]
this better be the hospital this time and not wimbledon again
[from a nearby speaker]
“FIFTEEN-LOVE”
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Barista: Can I get a name?
Me: Free
[Later]
Barista: I’ve got a caramel macchiato for Free
*fights break out as I smile from the corner*
One of the worst parts of the pandemic was, without a doubt, when celebrities checked in to tell us how difficult their lives have been having to quarantine inside their mansions.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.