It’s been six years since my job interview.
I’m beginning to suspect they chose someone else.
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Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
There’s so much spilled soda, popcorn and candy in here my feet are sticking to the floor. I’d complain to the management except this is my apartment.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
Man there’s a lot of flies in here
( checks pulse )
*Meeting GF parents*
What are your intentions with our daughter?
Uh I need someone to sing the girl parts of Grease songs with me
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
Yes,I put my kid on a leash. I’m not scared of her being abducted. I just REALLY wanted a puppy instead.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
🌱🌱🌱
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
[funeral]
WIDOW (sobbing): i’ll never see him again
ME: what if there was a way you could
WIFE (knowing im about to pitch my idea for Above Ground Cemeteries Inc): we should leave
Me: *sings bedtime song*
4: I like that song
Me: *Sing song again*
4: I didn’t say I wanted it again
Me: *Stops singing song*
4: Why did you stop singing
Me: *Hands child to her dad and schedules emergency therapy session*
my professor scared me for a second
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Hubs and I have fought so much lately I’ve lost 10 lbs. I thought about leaving him, but I’d like to lose another 10 lbs first.
I never make New Year’s resolutions. I just carry the ones over from the previous year and add “This time I’m serious”
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.