I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
You Might Also Like
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
Don’t you hate it when you trip and fall and an entire pizza accidentally jumps into your mouth?
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Can’t, I’m about to turn 50 and my lower back is almost 83.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
It’s world hepatitis day. Spread it around.
One of the best ways to explain my dad is that I went to an Orioles game with a friend when I was, like, ten and randomly ran into my dad in line for food and he was like “oh hey you gotta try these hot dogs” and never asked how I got there
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
yeah no that’s fair
New menu item
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
11 year old: Daddy, I heard a new song called Bohemian Raspberry, do you know it?
The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
[Gives husband a list for groceries]
He brings home 1/2 of what’s on the list and someone else’s kid.
*Updates dating profile*
Must be within walking distance due to gas prices.
“Not my circus, not my monkeys” is done. Let’s switch it to “not my pigs, not my blanket.”
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
[grocery store]
CUTE GIRL {bumps into my cart}: Oh, I’m sorry…that was on accident
ME: Well you know nothing ever happens “on accident”
CUTE GIRL {flirtatiously}: Haha, so are you saying…
ME: Yes, the term is actually “by accident”
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I didn’t say I don’t believe in god, I’m just asking if he has any control over the powerball
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.