Me: I’d like a nap please.
Domino’s employee: Ma’am, this is Domino’s.
Me: Ok one extra large nap and an order of cheesy bread.
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Van Gone
My best friend’s marriage is such an inspiration.
As a reminder that there are worse things than dying alone.
It’s always the same old story. I meet a woman, things are going great, then my puppet starts screaming
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
I’m wearing black today so powdered sugar donuts seem like a solid choice.
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
[interrupts Pink Floyd]
“Actually, it’s AN education”
If someone tries to be your friend, pick up their cat and play it like the bagpipes. Problem solved.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
The fact that Zillow isn’t a pillow company is a goddamn tragedy, it’s a pillow plus zzz!
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
“it says on ur resume that ur good at saying unexpected things?”
yes i am.
…
“but i thougt u were gona say something unexp– oh wow ur good”
a fun thing to say if someone asks you if you want to hold their baby is “no thanks im trying to quit”
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
‘Pampers’ is a good product name because it implies being able to poop in your disposable underwear is a great luxury
[Last supper]
Jesus: Same time next week guys?
*they all nod*
Judas: I’ll book a table for 12
Jesus: you mean 13
Judas: yeah..13, I meant 13
*married driving*
Her: ‘You should pass this guy.’
Me: ‘You should have told me that vasectomy was completely unnecessary.’
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
Me: Today I found the perfect wine to have with dinner
Him: Awesome, where is it?
M: *points to belly*
[doctor’s office]
Nurse: Can you step on the scale?
Me: Of course.
Nurse: (waiting)
Me: You mean now? Oh hell no!
“meet the 25 year old entrepreneur who is making tens of thousands a month” i dont want to do that. i want to hear about all of the people who are doing worse than me. i want to meet the 40 year old with no friends or prospects who is currently engulfed in flames
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
The lazy river is my favorite ride at this amusement park. “Ahhhhh!” I scream as I float in a giant circle, not spilling my drink at all