What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
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My my husband’s favorite thing is when I blame him for losing something that’s actually in my hand.
[interview]
“Where you see yourself in 5 years?”Doing your job.
“And me?”
Jobless and upset about the divorce
“OMG” *runs out crying*
The History Channel; because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Date: You heard me
Me: No I didn’t
Wet nurse: I didn’t either
Me: Could you read that back to me?
Stenographer: She said, “Not only is it weird that you have a wet nurse and stenographer, it’s even weirder that you’d bring them on our date.”
hitman: who am I killing?
dog: ever hear of a guy named pavlov?
hitman: rings a bell
dog: that’s right
People complain about spam e-mail but it provides a valuable service. If every e-mail I got was actually important and required a response? I think that might break me
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
If you have a tattoo on your head, you’ve lost the right to ask me what I’m looking at.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
“This may be our 85th viewing of this movie, but we’ll watch it as intently as if it was only our 23rd”
-Toddlers
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
“What’s it like having a two year old boy?”
*throws a toy car at his face*
Like that.
Today’s assignment:
If anyone asks you what you’re doing this weekend, grab them and shake them saying “What have you heard? WHAT HAVE YOU HEARD???”
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
*beats arachnophobia*
*trips over child dressed as Spider-Man*
*fears spiders again*
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
It’s the man who is supposed to be getting up to make the coffee in the morning. It’s even in the Bible under “Hebrews.”
[before date]
friend: you’re a good guy. just let her know that
[date]
her: so tell me about y-
me: I’M GOOD BOY NICE AND KIND
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
American recipes are litch like
•3.5 handfuls of milk
•2/7 cup of cheese
•Pasta to taste