Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like I want to stab someone.
Therapist: That’s an action, lets focus on a feeling word.
Me: Like if I don’t get to stab someone I will be sad.
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You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
Audi is coming out with a bigger SUV that seats twenty.
It’s the new Audi Torium.
[Inspecting car]
*kicks tire*
“Mmhm just as I suspected, it can withstand a single kick.”
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I’m the kind of mom who burns one side of the grilled cheese, serves it to her kid with the non-burned side up, and crosses her fingers.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words
Shout out to the top 5 ain’ts in the world, no mountain high enough, no valley low enough, too proud to beg, no sunshine when she’s gone and afraid of no ghosts.
Me: It’ll just make mom grumpy, so don’t tell her that the dishwa…..
4 year old: MOM! DISHWASHER’S BROKEN!
Dye packets but for the person who takes the last donut.
Hubby: If you could sleep with one of my frien…
Me: Frank
H: nd’s bedroom style decor
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: So you like shabby chic?
I like my pizza like i like my square root of 64.
Ate.
35+ crowd getting ready for the Teddy Riley vs Babyface battle
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Facebook is entirely there to remind you why you left.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
Conjunctivitis implies the existence of projunctivitis.
If I could be any super hero I’d be The Flash, but instead of wearing his costume I’d wear a trench coat. Same name, different purpose.
As a fireman, I’m constantly asked questions like, “Can you please stop flexing & put out that fire?”
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?