If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
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ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
Hate is a strong word. I need a stronger one.
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
Yeah….so is a grenade
I’m not saying I killed it on the stock market today, but there’s a good chance I’m cutting up a hot dog into my Kraft Dinner tonight.
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
[eating cured meats and mixed cheeses while jumping out of an airplane] lmao pacharcuterie
I poured some root beer in a square glass and now it’s just beer.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Me: I’m here for Unreliable Club
Guy: The meeting was yesterday
Me: I know
Guy *under breath* holy shit this guy’s good
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
ME: so what do you do
GUY: I’m an oral surgeon
ME: *imagining him doing heart surgery with just his mouth* wow I bet you’re a helluva kisser
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
ME: Give up, man. She’s not coming back.
GROCERY CART:
My son just hugged me.
Him: You smell good.
Me: Like what?
Him: *sniffs* You smell like love.
Me: *heart melts* Lets go to Toys R Us.
I started a funeral business with self-driving hearses, but they keep crashing into other cars.
Business is booming.
“The Perfect Relationship”
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?
[cow pushing 5 shopping carts out of store]
Ugh, why do I keep shopping for groceries on 4 empty stomachs
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
When I have more than $20 in my account at the end of the month I have to wonder what bill I forgot to pay.
My idea to call our weekend bicycling group the “Pedalphiles” was not well-received AT ALL.
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
LAWYER: where were you on the night of the stabbings
ME (not wanting to admit I was watching the Bachelor finale & crying): stabbing people
On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
me: *holding my black eye* honey I’m home
wife: what happened to you?
me: I met a celebrity this morning
wife: and….
[earlier at the car wash]
optimus prime: are you watching me shower!?
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST