Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
You Might Also Like
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
Awesome parenting 😂
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
*Myself at the doctor*
Is this test absolutely necessary?*Taking my dog to the Vet*
Whatever test is necessary, spare no expense.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
I never understood why people wear black clothes when they want to be sneaky
They should wear leather armor, because it’s made of hide.
I still have all the energy to go to concerts and stay out until two am.
I do not, however, still have the energy for the next day.
{Annual Introverts Conference}
speaker: how y’all doing?
audience: *soft murmuring*
speaker: I said HOW Y’ALL DOING?
audience: *total silence*
speaker: that’s better
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
A video of a seal jumping in a boat
to escape killer whales went viral.They were trying to orca-strate
a meal, but didn’t seal the deal.
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
I asked my neighbors to keep it down last night and they were like ma’am- it’s 5pm.
As far as I’m concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
[ten seconds into tv interview where my identity is being protected]
camera guy: don’t try to disguise your own voice, let the machine do it
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
Superhero movie idea: the Avengers have to fight the evil Dr. Zoom, who traps innocent people in useless, back to back Zoom meetings.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
*Closes refrigerator door and hears contents inside fall*
Well… sounds like a problem for the next person.
My son proposed to his fiancée about six months ago and she said yes. They’re super happy, we love her family too. I just found out today that another girl is in love with him and plans to propose next week…. should I say anything? Oh and also, he’s 4. They’re all 4.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
AMAZON, 1998: hello we sell books but online
AMAZON, 2023: please return to your Primehouse for your nightly Primemeal, valued Primecitizen
my father has started calling me “daughter number one” either bc (1) im the firstborn daughter or (2) im his favorite daughter or (3) he forgot my name, which is what i tell my sister, “other daughter” & my brother, “boy daughter”
No means no. Unless it was said in response to, “Babe, I’m making myself a sandwich. Want one?”