satan: i am lord of the underworld.
me: Antarctica?
satan: no it’s much hotter.
me: (nods) Australia.
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If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and barks like a pig, then I probably took too many pills.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
My neighbour said I’m not allowed to feed the baby raccoons living in their shed. I wonder if they’d prefer left over chicken to sandwiches
My parents think im a virgin. My boss thinks Im an excellent employee. The government thinks Im an outstanding citizen. Where’s my Oscar?
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
[sees a sheep] oh my goodness that towel is still alive
Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?
Tomato: No.
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
I’ve received so many Viagra emails my laptop opened on its own.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
In the summer there’s only so many clothes you can take off. On that note, please send bail money.
I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.
I can turn wine into a one night stand.
Your move Jesus.
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Just heard about this teacher who had sex with her student. Another reason I won’t send MY dog to obedience school
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
[job interview for garbageman]
interviewer: I like your enthusiasm, you’re hired
Three raccoons in trench coat: [ecstatic chittering]
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
I don’t think it is fair God plays for the Seahawks, seems like an unfair advantage.
I took a personality test and hoo-boy I do not appreciate some of the things it is saying about me.
*sets down half eaten bag of potato chips on the elliptical*
FUN FACT: A collection of Russell Crowe movies is called a murder of movies.
ME: honey, just tap me on the arm tonight if you think I’ve gotten too drunk
WIFE: I’ve been tapping your arm for the last 2 hours
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Me: Magic 8-Ball, am I stupid?
Bowling Ball:
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in