Slapping the TV remote on your knee extends the battery life.
It’s science.
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Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
[at doctor’s office]
Nurse: You may get undressed now.
Me: [rips off tear away pants]
Nurse: Most people wait until I’m out of the room but okay.
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
Me: *reading headline* Man Plunges to his Death
Also me: that could be the result of a terrible accident or overzealous plumbing
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
Commenting on a girl’s “goose-like stamina” is a nice compliment during sex and plants the seed for an interesting fact about geese later on
Shark week, but for squirrels.
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
3200 BC: Man invents written language and abandons hieroglyphics
2023 AD: Man abandons written language in favor of memes
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
Miss Pissy Face and Mr Crabby Pants in HR told me I am not allowed to make up nicknames for my co-workers anymore.
“You’ve reached 911”
Knock knock
“Sir ple-”
Knock knock
“This is not-”
Knock knock
“ok, who’s there?”
Ben
“Ben who”
Ben shot real bad
“NICE”
I’d rather be an outlaw than an in-law.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
ok so i’m watching gladiator and the romans are white people with british accents. ok hollywood. alright.
Enough with the fist bumping. I never understand what is happening. This time I held my hands open because I thought he was giving me M&Ms
My dog’s pissed cos I buy him Senior food. He won’t admit he’s older now. So I scratch out the “i” on each can & tell him it’s Mexican food.
You: I’m combining breakfast and lunch. Brunch.
Me: I’m combining wine and dinner. Winner
this has to be peak English
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
[I die and appear in a mysterious place]
me: woah, is this heaven or hell?
guy: here’s a giant plate of linguine
me: must be heaven!
guy: you have to eat it without the twirl technique
me: aw hell
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
my gf left me cuz I’m insecure
nvm she’s back she went pee
Oh yeah that’s it
[calling my fav Jamaican takeout joint to find out which day chef, the Jerk King, is not there]
me: when is the Jerk King off?
chef: what