“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
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My diet was going really well until I woke up.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
I found your tweet-up…
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
Wife :’Darling, look. I haven’t worn this in 8 years and it still fits.’
Hubby : It’s a scarf!
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
ME: *posing nude for a painter*
GUY PAINTING MY HOUSE: please sir…I have a family.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
I love my job at Amazon. At first I thought that wearing a catheter to work to avoid bathroom breaks was unreasonable, but after several sessions of deep hypnosis with the company therapist I’ve come to realize that the catheter is just a part of my body—a body of the future.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
“Then we are agreed: we shall have a duel to the death at sunrise. And if I oversleep you will start without me.”
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
Spider 1: hey man, your fly’s down
Spider 2: yeah, the little fella’s been like that since I ate his brother
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
When one door closes another one opens. … Or you could just re-open the closed door. Because that’s how doors work…!!
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
Standing desks become a $1000 charcuterie board since I snack so much.
Photographer: Ok, let’s get a good natural smile. Relax and just let it happen.
Me:
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…