What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
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Took my kids out to dinner & was quickly reminded why I never take them out to dinner.
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
The celebrity couple name for Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton is Clump.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
[at Doctor’s office]
“When’s the last time you had sex?”
Last night.
“With a male or female?”
Oh…with another person?
Her: Show me your pics
Me: Ok*blackberry restarts*
*waiting*
*gets married*
*have kids*Son: Dad, your phone finished restarting
*dies*
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
Just overheard my 2-year-old exclaim “YAY I DID IT” from the other room. What I learn next will either be exhilarating or horrifying.
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
Me: I can do whatever I want through Christ who strengthens me
Attorney: ok but again, as your lawyer I strongly advise you to not say that in court
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Saying “sounds good” is probably the nicest way to abruptly end a conversation.
my retirement plan is braless
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
Parenting is having your kids reject everything you cook, and then watching the 2yo eat a dog treat and ask for another.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
‘Brexit’ to be followed by Grexit. Departugal. Italeave. Fruckoff. Czechout. Oustria. Finish. Slovakout. Latervia. Byegium.