I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
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white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
“I’m so lucky to have you.”— Me to my hand.
No, it’s not what you think.
I just watched Hook.
we need a disney princess who is the shark from the movie Jaws
WAITER: questions about the menu?
ME: is it recycled paper?
WAITER: no, i meant about what’s on it
ME: oh. what kind of ink is this?
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Assassin implies the existence of Assassout and frankly I’m all for it
Monday mornings as a stay-at-home parent are kind of like cleaning up after a massive house party that you weren’t even invited to.
Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible
Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank
Jan 1st: New decade going fairly well, all things considered.
Jan 2nd: Australia appears to be on fire.
Jan 3rd: World War III announced.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Um … Hot Wings please
Do you like long lines, mass transit and sweaty white people?
Ask your doctor if a Disney trip is right for you.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
The best way to get me to agree with you is to be attractive.
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
I only wear dresses on sad occasions, like funerals and weddings.
*email notification*
“Ooh, who’s this from?”
– Me reading an email I sent to myself literally 7 seconds ago to remind me to do something.
I don’t want to imply I was anything special in college but I was the president of the Ramen Club for 5 years, probably would have been 6, except my parents gave me an ultimate that I needed “to stop putzing around and graduate already.”
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
[knock on door]
Who is it?
“Jeff”
Jeff from work or Jeff who lies about his identity?
“Jeff from work”
[opens door]
“Sucker”
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down