millipede mobster [raising guns]: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND FRIEND
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
My favourite sport is tracking the pizza delivery guy
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
No, give me the blue mittens for shoveling. The red ones are for scandal.
ok hear me out: Luigiana
How I read news articles:
1. Read the headline
2. Go directly to the comment section
3. Have a meltdown
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
[stepping out of time machine] shit I forget why I came to this year
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
Not to be rude but I think some of you think your dog is your best friend and your dog thinks you’re top 5 at most
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
Me: Coke please
Server: Sorry we don’t have Coke. Is vodka ok?
Me: Why yes, yes it is
When I said I was nostalgic for the 80s – I meant the music not the Cold War.
[dinner table]
SHARK: i got the promotion
SHARK WIFE: are you lead sharkitect now?
SHARK: *pushes plate away* my career isn’t a joke, Sharon
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
British people tell you that they live in a real country and then introduce you to someone called the Marchioness of Cholmondeley
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
how to meditate myself out of criminal intent oh shoot i thought this was google
A shock absorber sounds like something you need for when you’re watching the news.