Took a woman back to my apartment last night. She was disgusted and refused to come inside. Oh sure, it’s cool when the Ninja Turtles live in the sewer…
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Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
Me: bedtime!
Brain: you’re hungry
M: no I’m not
B: thirsty then
M: nope
B: uhh sad?
M: doing ok
B: you forgot to do that thing
M: nice try
mariah carrie
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
[1st date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Her: “I’m a Herpetologist.”
Me: “Great! [pulls pants down] How bad is this?”
As a joke I suggested to my 10yo that he was getting diapers for Christmas so he wouldn’t have to stop gaming even for a moment, and Reader, he hesitated.
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
Just realized telling moms we have a lice scare gets me out of everything and I wish I’d thought of this earlier in my parenting journey.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
Discovered 24 long forgotten beers in the basement refrigerator so I’m about to crack a cold case.
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
The enemy of my enemy is my friend unless they don’t dance and if they don’t dance well they’re no friend of mine.
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Turns out, it’s hard to say ‘Whoopdeedoo’ without sounding sarcastic.
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
2022 be like
A guy I know got bitten by a radioactive bedbug. He spent 3 weeks in a coma, but when he came round again he was able to fold a fitted sheet