date: i love a guy who isn’t afraid to curse during sex
[later]
me: *yelling* avada kedavra
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The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.
My favorite sex position? Boy there’s so many to choose from. Ha Ha. *starts sweating* I’d have to pick, um, reverse…shortstop? I gotta go
Sorry neighbor who’s choking to death, my cat’s resting his little head on my leg.
This, like, never happens.
[doctor hooking wires to my chest]
ME: What are you doing?
DOC: Echocardiogram
ME: cardiogram cardiogram cardiogram this is a weird test
I want a fast formal restaurant. Food comes out in two minutes, but they won’t serve you unless you’re wearing a suit with tails. I think this could be a little fun while society breaks down
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
PSA: Always be yourself
Identity theft carries a sentence of up to 15 years prison time
God: U have to build an ark to save the animals from a tsunami
Noah: But you’re god, can’t you just stop the tsunami
God: *loves boats* No
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
I think nervous flatulence would be helpful if you were ever kidnapped
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
Protip: If you’re bad at geography and someone asks about an obscure country just say “isn’t that where the oiled up Olympics guy is from?”
If I had the money to get some work done, I think I’d have them start with the dishes.
Marriage hack: when your wife says “I think it’s crazy, but do what you want,” don’t do what you want.
Flooding- Blame it on the rain
Gluten allergy- Blame it on the grain
Ripped pants- Blame it on the gain
Forgot- Blame it on the brain
Selfies- Blame it on the vain
Lost karate tournament- Blame it on the crane
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.