weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
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There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
“How is this grilling you?” – mom’s 44th question
After all of the screaming I’ve done, you’d think that this roach would give it up and WANT to die.
@funTweeters I dig it! Thank you
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
me, being swallowed whole by a komodo dragon: haha, okay we get it, you don’t like to chew
“you changed” bro i was 15
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Literally any podcast host asking their guest a question
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
a store that sells jeans and khakis should be called a pantry
If you think my grey hair tells a story, you should see the unmarked graves in my back yard.
Nephew: Were the scorpions around when there were dinosaurs?
Me: You mean like the band?
I bet Seal is terrified of shark week.
Well, this explains it:
[first time paying taxes]
me: how much do I owe?
irs: 🙂
me: am I supposed to guess?
irs: :)))
me: what if I guess wrong?
irs: :))))))))))))))))))
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Cell phones ruined the fun of pushing a fully clothed person into a pool.
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
You know how some women ‘walk into’ their perfume? I’ve just done that but with a lamp post
I’m not the best driver in the world; however, I am not the one who hit Jupiter
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?