Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
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*phone rings*
Wife – “Quick! Pretend I’m not in!”
Me – *strips naked and does running man*
Wife – “….”
*covers kids eyes*
“Hey Billy, guess who?”
“Dad!”
“Nope”
“I knw its u dad. I know ur voice”
“Its not ur dad”
“Stop jking”
“Ur adopted”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
A headline said the economy is showing signs of unexpected vigor so i’ll have what the economy is having please.
If sharks are so tough how come not a single one turned up to fight me behind the school last Friday
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
[2021]
One smoker left in the world. The Quit Smoking ads get personal.
HEY KEVIN, STOP SMOKING. YOU STINK. YOUR WIFE SAYS YOU NEED VIAGRA.
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
My kid, holding a jug of apple juice:
“Mommy can you open this?”Me, in the shower:
“Ask your father.”
No one said your ‘cheat day’ had to be an Earth day. I use Mercury, it has a 1,408 hr day
Ok, but like, how married are you?
“We run a tight ship” barked the captain, his shoulders barely getting thru the doorway “Real tight.”
he turns sideways to fit down the hall
Find a man who strokes your hair and says how soft it is and doesn’t even care that it’s on your legs.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
I ordered the chick on page 3 in the Victoria’s Secret catalog…
But all they sent me was her underwear.
Name another movie that mislead you?
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
[Jack Black’s birthday]
Oh wow..ANOTHER rock polisher, thanks grandma.
“How is Rock School going dear?”
It’s School of ro- *sigh* nevermind.
Uber: “I’m in a blue Honda Civic.”
Me: “ok”
Me to me: “ok, we know what blue is”
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
GEORGE SANTAYANA: those who cannot learn from history are doomed to repeat it
HUMANITY: deal
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
for someone that hates being touched, i sure do have a lot of kids.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.