Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
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[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
If I got a dollar for every time I thought about you, I would start thinking about you
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
Baby ducks are “ducklings”, baby pigs are “piglets”, and baby humans are “annoying.”
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
somewhere, in an alternate universe
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
idk flipping houses looks really hard
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
me:
I like to speak to my attorney please.wife:
Just tell me which shoes look better please.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.
You should never bribe someone to get what you want. You should blackmail them, it’s cheaper and much more effective.
My wife told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.
I said, “No, wait! I can change.”
Army guy: sniper in the clock tower, 6 o’clock
Me [seeing the time on the clock tower says 5 o’clock]: we’ll worry about him in an hour then
They’re testing the tornado sirens here just to remind us that Mother Nature is not a one trick pony.
Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
My wife still brings up that one time in March 2015 I complained of tired legs while she was in labor
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
I’m now at an age where I can use phrases like ‘I’m now at an age.’
Him: If it hadn’t been for cotton-eyed Joe
I’d been married long time ago
Where did you come from, Where did you go?
Where did you come from, cotton-eyed Joe?Her: Okay. I’ll just put “single” on this Census form.