The designer of the expanding universe, deviser of quantum theory and relativity – he’s really interested in who you sleep with. Sinner.
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I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
How did people charge their phones before electricity?
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
I just show up at seances for the awkward, forced companionship holding hands around a table brings.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Goat cheese is for herders.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
courtroom exchange of the day
ME: Your lizard keeps biting me.
THEM: That’s a cactus
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Avoid getting crumbs in your bed by eating in your kid’s bed.
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week’s developments
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
*tornado warning*
*sirens blaring outside*
*every phone in the house beeping emergency alerts*Me, frantic: EVERYONE GET INTO THE BATHTUB!
Son: I’m one of 3 left in this Fortnite game, hang on.
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I’m white but not ‘sleep in front of a store to save $30 on a television’ white.
This tweet lives in my head rent free.
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
It’s actually a good thing money doesn’t grow on trees because I’ve killed every plant I’ve ever owned.
My dad when I follow google maps instead of the path he yells from the backseat
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Her: I’m a stay at home mom
Me: *leans in close* then what are you doing outside of that house
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real