COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
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Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Actually, the past tense is ‘hanged’ as in ‘he hanged himself’. Sorry about your dad, though
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
the dog is mad at me bc i wouldn’t let him eat sriracha off the ground and my feelings are hurt so no i don’t want children.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
The unused seconds from all the microwaves get added to the lifespan of Betty White.
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Science update: dog earwax still tastes bad
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
Sure I collect antiques, if you count the late-century spices in my pantry.
Me: I cut the grass, edged, cleaned up the leaves and took out the garbage.
Anyone else: Oh wow, great job!
My wife: Did you clean the grass off the mower?
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
*Job interview*
“Im gonna need you to pee in this cup”
*hands boss full cup*
“Let’s start the interview”
*boss just sips it the whole time*
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to align a picture on Microsoft word
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
Teachers at the pre-school ask why I’m in a good mood in the morning…
I’m like, “Duh…did you not see me just leave my kids with you?”
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
My co-worker was accused of flipping off the boss. I told HR that it couldn’t have been him because he never lifts a finger to do anything.