Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
You Might Also Like
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
[interview]
So what makes you qualified to be an x-ray technician?
Superman: Are you being serious right now?
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away.
You are my people.
I cannot escape the 45 year old man who spends millions to look 43. I don’t want to see him anymore but he is everywhere. Oh no the doorbell, it’s him he’s here
You want just one cow for those magic beans? Idk, I’m suspicious, magic beans sounds like the sort of thing that would cost 2 cows.
Me: Why is a squid throwing away all my stuff?
Calamarie Kondo: What
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
Guys.You can’t make everyone happy, so just concentrate on me
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
Me: That Febreze smells like Fireball.
Wife: Yeah, non-alcoholics call that cinnamon.
None of my mirrors are working right, they all make me look old and fat.
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
advocating for yourself is so awkward. i wish more professions had agents. i just want a little hype man to meet with my boss and say things like “my client deserves more pay” and “my client is really good at his job” and “i love my client so much does he look taller?”
She took one of the many decoy hoodies that I leave strategically around my place. She never even came close to my true inventory.
Me: *buys item from online retailer*
Online Retailer: WE ARE MARRIED NOW
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
My GF found lipstick in my pocket, I admitted I’m cheating… I don’t want her to know I’m selling AVON.. I want to eat my money in peace
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”