Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
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[god creating dolphins]
Peter: why is he smiling?
God: cos, Pete, I’ve given him an asshole on top of his head
Peter: ah. Nice
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
The children seemed disappointed when I told them the best part about being an adult is going to bed early.
good let them take over I have had enough
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
*guy acts like he’s gonna punch me*
GUY: HA! You flinched
ME: yes because I thought you were going to punch me. If you actually punched me I would have been more protected. You see, evolutionarily speaking, the flinchers would have outlived those wh-
GUY: *actually punches me*
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
we’ve all been home together for a solid week now and my 6-year-old has expressed daily outrage about how the wh- in “whole” is different than in “when” and “why” and now i’m mad about it too
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
[job interview]
What are your strengths?
Me: inventing special occasions.
Is that even a *I interrupt him with a happy cereal day song*
You could do like my granny does when she loses a pet. Sticks it in the freezer.
I almost thawed out poppy the parrot once thinking it was chocolate mint ice cream
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
If someone tweets in the bathroom they are live streaming.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Björk is my favourite singer-songwriter/IKEA side table.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
cop: can you describe the intruder?
me: he had a toe ring
cop: he was bare foot?
me: no, he was wearing shoes, but I could just tell