been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
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That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
My son loves to cook and my mom said great now he can teach you and I said no now he can cook for me
*laughing* I bought a baby gate (to keep the dog from eating the cat’s food) but forgot to tell my son. A box was delivered with the words “BABY GATE” on it. I was running errands so he saw the box. I got a call from my horrified son asking “OMG NO Why do you need a BABY gate?”
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Calm down check engine light, if I can run on broken parts, so can you
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
Hungover? Hydrate. Depressed? Hydrate. Want to make a good first impression on others? Hydrate.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Hot hot hot 🥵
card machine: insert chip card into reader
me: ok
card machine: do NOT remove card
me: uhh ok i wo-
card machine: REMOVE THE CARD YOU PIECE OF SHIT
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Why are the pyramids in Egypt?
Bc they were too heavy to carry to the British museum.
Macaroni Grill closed four locations here. I suspect the tendency of macaroni to fall through the grill had a lot to do with it.
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
A coworker just complained that nobody was talking to her and I really wish I had her kind of problems.
It’s alright if we’re doing it all wrong. After all, we are the first generation to deal with midlife crisis by staring at our phones.
A car says a lot about the owner. I have a KIA which tells people I have bad credit.
Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.