No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
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12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place
I asked my kid why she only brought one gym sneaker home from school and she looked at me like I have three heads because clearly I’m the crazy one
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
Any body can be a summer body if it’s discovered between the months of June and September
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
I have to pick my dad up from work tonight, how the turntables. I wonder what embarrassing things I can do when I pull up to his place of business
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
My son just said “I’m sorry I can’t be cute right now, I’m hungry” and I’ve never understood him better.
ME: what came first the chicken or the egg
FRIEND [putting an ice pack on my head]: I’m not sure, people were throwing so many things at you
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
My 4yo tells me his toothpaste is “too spicy” but he doesn’t seem to be having any trouble with Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
All excellent questions
Looks like someone’s been slipping steroids into Garfield’s lasagna again.
[arguing with friend about chemistry]
*cop walks up* do we have a problem here?
Me: No. We will find a solution once you argon, officer.
friend: why aren’t u dressed yet??
me, in my fifth hour of laying naked in a towel on my bed: i JUST got out of the shower
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
“it’s the thought that counts” doesn’t include showering. You have to actually do that.
If you’re a home repair guy a good business strategy is to follow guys home from Lowe’s after they buy a power washer and drop your business card in their mailbox.
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.