Guys, if you forget your girl’s birthday, just look into her eyes and say, “I love you.” Then run, because that is not going to help.
You Might Also Like
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
So I taught myself how to juggle chainsaws from a YouTube video and let’s just say this took me twenty minutes to type out one handed
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
I’ve never been so thrown by a hyphen
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Easiest and quickest way to get me to shut up, open my mouth and get on my knees is to simply make it rain Skittles.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
When the priest says “Body of Christ” I say “Thanks, I’ve been working out.”
Then I grab the cracker and run back to my seat.
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
selfie game
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
Girlfriend’s dad doesn’t like me for some reason. Doesn’t want to get rich via foolproof investment opportunity, either. Strange guy
went to the movies and the whole time my 7 year old kept turning in her seat to look behind us. eventually i asked her what was wrong and she explained that the disclaimer before the movie told her to look out for anything suspicious.
i actually laughed 😩
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Twitter updated their Terms of Service. Now it just says “Abandon Hope All Ye Who Enter Here.”
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”