No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
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Professor, clearing his throat:
“With the loss of cursive writing in the schools, it no longer became possible to effectively write on the snow in urine (urine being a single stream medium). Thus another level of achievement in English-speaking culture was lost forever.”
NRA member: I’ve got guns. I’m in charge.
Me: That’s nice. I’ve got bubonic plague – “cough, cough” – now you do, too.
I win.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
Gravy boat is a pretty stupid name. You don’t fill a regular boat with water…
cushion on the right slightly discoloured
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
me: i have test anxiety
classmate: it’s okay, jesus has answers
jesus: *descending from sky* the first three are all D
What’s the name of that movie with that actor in which the guy does that thing with that other thing in that place during that time?
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
[Petco]
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for a real fish person.
ME: Like a mermaid?
INTERVIEWER:
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Flight Attendant: “Here is the extra blanket you asked for.”
Me: “Thanks. Could you jam it into that guy’s mouth?”
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
Toasters must work on some exponential scale. Two minutes barely toasted. Ten more seconds burned beyond recognition.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
You kids are lucky with your selfies, back in my day we had 27 blind attempts, a 24 hour waiting period and a $15 investment
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 20s
[takes tylenol and goes about the day]
HUNGOVER IN YOUR 30s
[writing letter] Dearest Penelope, I fear this may be the final time I am blessed to feel the warmth of the sun upon my breast. I grow more weary by the moment, and prospects for survival are slim
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages
I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.