When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
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I just wanna borrow one of your kidneys. Just for like a sec.
If Tim Horton’s is actually Canadian shouldn’t it be Tim Hourtoun’s?
When I was a young boy my father took me into the city to see a marching band…
[8000 words later]
In a medium bowl, mix together butter, white sugar, and brown sugar. Beat in eggs one at a time, then stir in vanilla. Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. Grease cookie sheet,
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
Oh. My. God.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
My neighbor has a couple of cameras on her house, every time I go past I wave at her through the camera, she told me the other day she gives me the finger.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
[dog park]
Go get it, boy!*dog returns with silver watch, silver bracelet & silver necklace*
Ugh, you’re the worst golden retriever ever
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Friend: Wanna go out with me for a beer?
Me: I’ll go out with you *finger guns* for free
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
whenever a study shows excessive screen time causes brain damage i’m like yeah. me know.
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
Draw me like one of your French Fries.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…
Just discovered that my 5yo thinks the lyrics are “apple button jeans, boots with the brrr” and then he does a little shiver
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
“Help yourself!”
– people who don’t want to help you
Amazing how easily that guy scaled Trump Tower. Thank God u can’t get suction cups in Mexico cause then wall idea would be really stupid.
Can I take your order?
Yeah, lemme get a McRib and a large Coke.
Sir, this is Wallgreens
OK, make it a bottle of Xanax, and some Pringles