Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
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First pedicure of the season鈥y nail technician took one look and started stretching
To be honest, given a few tries I think I could do brain surgery.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
I see you’ve blocked me on all social media sites & moved house without leaving a forwarding address
Baby, does this mean we’re on a break?
I don鈥檛 drink blood to stay young. I do it mainly for the lifestyle.
The walk of shame but it鈥檚 my toddler handing back his string cheese because he could not in fact open it himself
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
Sorry I am late I was lost in a large, particularly labyrinthine sweater
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Car commercials are always showing the cars driving like it鈥檚 supposed to impress me but I already know they can do that
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
People who replace “Christ” with “X” are missing the whole point of what the ChristBox 360 is about.
My kids would not be sitting on this couch laughing if they knew what me and their dad did on it last night. They are gonna cry when they find out we ate all the ice cream.
me: just going to take off my hoodie.
shirt: me too.
me: no just the hoodie.
shirt: ok but also me too.
me: no.
belly button: hello! 馃檪
My child has started writing raps and while I love her and applaud this development I wonder if she lacks the years of life experience the form demands
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
Murderman V. Another Murderman: Dawn of Murdering
#BatmanvSuperman
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it鈥檚 gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don鈥檛 like you
*pulls away from kissing*
Me: Please insert 2oz of cheese to continue.
marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.