Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
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Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I get it, orcas! I, too, like to sink annoying children’s toys in the pool
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared
They say real men hunt their food, which is why I throw a spear through the box of pasta before letting it bleed out in my shopping cart.
Ok guys, if anyone asks about what happened to this gallon of ice cream, I was mugged by a family of 8.
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I got a bracelet that posts where I ran, and how far to facebook, and I put it on a deer. So it just looks like I’m lost in the woods.
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
*Jumps on bandwagon*
Bandwagon: I have a girlfriend
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Raisins are just grapes pretending not to be past their “sell by” date
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.
His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother