The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
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Based on all the white smoke billowing out, I think my lawn mower just picked a new pope.
Hell hath no fury like a woman who doesn’t remember asking you to wake her up from a nap
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I stopped carrying a grudge
Weigh me now
when you finally break down and clean the kid’s bathroom
Fun morning at work…does Costco sell voodoo dolls in bulk?
A child stared at me for ten minutes before he asked what that was on my face
His mum replied ‘that’s a beard’I was that kid’s first beard
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
Big shoutout to the Red Robin waitress who checked my ID and immediately ruined the moment by saying, “Wow you’re, like, older than my dad!”
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
“You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You get a Bible! You all get Biibbbllleess!!!!
~Poprah
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
3: Please move
Me: You said that very nicely, but the dog doesn’t speak English
3: Woof Woof
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
*walking my 5 year old back from the bathroom
Lady: Your grand daughter is so cute
Me: She’s my…. Thank you
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
movie idea: Dracula, but he’s allergic to blood, so he gets diarrhea a lot (movie loosely based on my relationship with dairy)
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
Today, my 3 year-old yelled at me because I forgot to close the fridge, then reminded me to turn off the kitchen light.
He just needs to fall asleep during a movie and his transformation into me would be complete.
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.