the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
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i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
[forgetting the word unfrosted]
do you have any khaki flavored Pop-Tarts
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
I was gonna complain about THE GODDAMN JACKHAMMERING THAT WOKE ME UP THIS AM
but it’s noon.
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
7yo: Did you drink coffee before we were born?
Me: Yes
7yo: Did you eat pancakes?
Me: Yes
7yo: What didn’t you do?
Me: Talk while peeing.
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
Contactless food delivery be like, what if ding dong ditch had a happy ending?
[God creating humans]
God: Make them really bad at remembering stuff like first names, birthdays, etc
Angel: And things like traumatic experiences too?
God: Haha no. They’re going to remember those forever lol
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
My grandma tries to avoid her neighbor who has a crush on her. This is the exchange they just had:
Him: have you eaten dinner yet
Her: I don’t eat
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend.
Darkness: New phone, who dis?
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
I’d love this before and after shot…lol
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
😍😂🥰😂😍
did your friends rob that bank?
“I’ll never talk”
I forgot that you’re prejudice
against robbers
“what?!? some of my best friends rob banks”
Would bet there’s a math equation that can tell how many kids a person has by measuring the amount of Cheerios on the floor of their car …
Wife: Sleep tight, don’t let the bed bugs bite!
Me: Haha funny.
[under the mattress]
Bed Bug King: TONIGHT WE DINE IN HELL *tiny drums bang*
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for