Got flagged by airport security because my son had a Magic 8 Ball in his backpack. Two TSA agents debated whether it was ok. My husband said, “If only we had a simple way to answer a yes or no question…” Crickets.
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He died doing two things he loved: making a toast sandwich and taking a bath
North Korean leader Kim Jong-un got married. Proving there’s someone for every un.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
every time a guy in a movie says he has a bad feeling about this it’s when he’s already driving a car off a mountain and trying to land on another mountain that’s both on fire and covered in spikes. and it’s like yeah man that makes sense
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
It’s cute how my psychiatrist pretends I’m not an international sex symbol who moonlights as a super assassin.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
[end of interview]
Any questions for me?
Yes. Why didn’t the glass slipper also disappear at midnight?
YOU ARE SO HIRED.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
I just yelled “WAKE UP,” to which my 4 year old responded “WHYDONTYOUPUTONALITTLEMAKEUP,” so no one question my parenting ever again.
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Getting a dog will not solve all your emotional problems. For that you need four dogs.
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
Human babies are 75% water at birth, a slightly higher water content than bananas and slightly less than fresh potatoes.
Roses are red
Vodka is clear
Shit got wild last night
I should stick to beer
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Michael Cera pretending to read the nutritional facts when his dad catches him struggling to open a jar of pickles
I sure wish my boss would accept that “new challenges” are never going to excite me. Like I majored in English solely because I already knew how to speak it
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
Yeah it’s disrespectful when someone copies your tweet word for word to appear like they wrote it.
But honestly? It almost feels worse when you see someone copied your tweet AND it got no likes or retweets.
Like wait wtf why didn’t their friends like my joke tho? 😤 How rude.
“Help! I can’t get my jogging trousers off!”
“We’ll have to perform an emergency trackybottomy”
Never get drunk with someone who has rented a chainsaw or a wood chipper.
I carry pizza from the kitchen to the living room on purpose so my dogs are like my paparazzi