American Horror Story:
Walmart Bathroom
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I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running
@funTweeters I am at your service….
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Finally my winter fat has gone!
I now have spring rolls.
I don’t want to stand, Apple Watch. You stand.
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
Here’s a meme
My 6yo daughter is chasing her 2yo sister with a baby doll, calling “mommy mommy,” and my 2yo is running away from her and yelling “I HAVE TO WORK!”
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
I don’t personally believe in hell but I need other people to so I can tell them to go there
Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses
[in bed]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: one time I licked the floor of a subway
HER: I meant-
ME: I use a rat as a loofa
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss
The bathroom just ran out of paper towels, so obviously I had to wipe my hands on the next person I passed in the hallway.
My daughter was pretty pissed that someone called the cops, ending her party.
Whatever, I needed some sleep.
A crow just dropped a pink ribbon at my feet. If I pick it up are we engaged or what’s the protocol here
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
I don’t need a New Year’s resolution, it’s the year’s turn to be better.
ME: I’m giving you to the count of three
SON: does he have a castle?
Jesus: the bread is my body
Judas: *cutting carbs* I see
How’d you get those bruises?
*remembers tripping over a stuffed animal and destroying my blanket fort*
Karate.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
I think Grandma enjoyed giving everyone the wrong impression saying her friend Iris died by the needle when she was actually stabbed during knitting club.
“LEEEEET’S GET READY TO TUUUUUUMBLE!!!”
-wet laundry
Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
I chose to wash dishes before I went to a doctors appointment yesterday, and after examining me, my new doctors first question to me was, “does your hand usually smell like chicken?”
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”