Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
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Evil villain: You can run but you can’t hide!
Me: That’s where you’re wrong pal. *out of breath* I can’t do either
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
One time i was at a party where this guy began a complicated monologue that was directed at me about bitcoin futures, so what i did was i used a meditation technique that i learned from a blackjack dealer at a mormon casino where i just dropped dead right on the spot.
There are two kinds of people in the world, those who can’t parallel park and those who grab a chair and a bowl of popcorn when they see the first group of people try to parallel park
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
Pro Tip:
If you stab yourself in the thigh with your pen you get to leave the meeting.
Me: No work tomorrow so I’m sleeping in.
Kids: LOL
Dog: LOL
Brain: LOL
Bladder: LOL
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
She died doing what she loved: Running for her life in the wrong direction.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
Caught my son smoking pot then my wife walked in and caught me and our son smoking pot. Anyways I’m grounded.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
Doctor: You have to eat healthier
Cannibal: [starts eating vegans]
I accidentally used my cat’s shampoo, and now my wife takes pictures of me every 15 minutes.
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
I remember the first time I saw a McDonald’s “Free refills on same visit only” sign on their soft drink fountain. Shaking my head, I thought, some people are so damn cheap, while grabbing as many napkins and ketchup packets as I could hold.
Nintendo say they are protecting children from inappropriate language online by making their voice chat app so bad that nobody will use it
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
Nobody has worn an adult diaper to drive across the country to confront a rival for my affections. What bullshit is this?
Welcome to your fifties. You need to try on belts before you buy them now.
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️