When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
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i dont simply go through airport security. i have a goal. i want everyone in line to be blown away by my efficiency. i want to be celebrated as i push my belongings across the table. i want TSA to offer me a job (i’ll decline). i want people talking about me at their gate. glory.
Very problematic
if you have a dog and don’t greet it by singing “hello barkness, my old friend” then what’s the point
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I found an old set of stationary I ordered when I was 10 … will be using it for all future business correspondence
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Ice Ice Baby, Ice Ice Baby
All right stop, Collaborate and listen
This frozen baby needs to see a physician
I rank my kids by how many chores they do and how much they complain.
My favorite child is the Roomba.
[inventing potato chips]
CEO: they’re so fragile, how will they be packaged?
Inventor: in a sturdy box
CEO: nah, let’s go with a bag
Inventor: but they’ll get crushed!
CEO: fill the bag with air
Inventor:
CEO: really strong air
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
How’d you come up with the idea?
Inventor of pac man: I took a bunch of pills one night and ate a ghost. I thought “now here’s something”
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
*extends arm for handshake*
Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you
Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind
Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
she is beauty, she is grace
she’s got a hotdog for the space
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*
imagining a gas station in the 1800s but it’s guys parking their horses as they eat some grain and the guys complain about the price of the grains
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
“Endless shrimp” sounds nice until you realize they are serious. It’s a threat. The shrimp will never stop.
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
Have fun, but be careful. Your sister was vacuumed up last week, and yesterday your cousin was killed with a shoe.
– spider moms, probably
I speak four languages
English
Australian
Slang
Typo
An eel can swim faster than me, but i could probably run faster than an eel. So in a triathlon it would all come down to who is the better cyclist