It’s like my Uncle said, no body, no crime
Coworker: I only asked how your weekend was…
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I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
Went to Vegas and all I came back with was 5 extra pounds and a key chain.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
Relationships are about compromise. I pretend she’s not watching a Gossip Girl boxset. She pretends I’m not digging her grave in the garden.
if I am elected governor I will eat your pillow while you sleep and unlike my opponent I will also do it if I am not elected
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
My therapist says I should delete my account and meet real people, but she’s still on Facebook so what does she know.
“People probably won’t ever need to reseal this ever, right?” – brown sugar manufacturers.
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
accessories can really boost a woman’s self confidence. for example I know I would feel 10x sexier if I carried a sword with me at all times
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
my best friend complained about her husband to me yesterday & I advised her to leave him.
Today she tweeted “No monkey can separate us ”
the best part of tiktok is that, at any point, a teenager might film you in public with the caption “what are they DOING” and every comment will just be “fr tho 💀” with no context as to what you’ve done. might be major, might just be wearing skinny jeans. who knows? gl out there
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
#Caturday
I don’t understand how i’m getting oreo crumbs in the bed if im swallowing them whole
Do-it-yourself home remodeling usually starts in the kitchen and ends in the depths of Hell.
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Remember when The Backstreet Boys told us to show them the meaning of being lonely and we were like ok